Speech Given for Write For Life

With the hopes that we could create a better future for kids that have suffered because of suicide, abuse and rape we created a Write For Life. Here we are now, our first six weeks completed. Our first set of children returning to their normal life with a different perspective of life and God then what they had when they first came to us. With Write For Life we try to make a permenent differnce in these lives.

All of us with the program have been in the places of the children at one time. We know how it feels to be them. To be in that place is horrific enough, but to not have someone to talk to, or feel like you have no one you can trust, that's even worse. We became those people. We became the ones that they learned to trust. The ones they can talk to.

Everything that has happened in this past six weeks has changed not only Heather, Jakob, Emma, Anthony, Brittany, Katey, and Brandon; but it has also changed Sarah, Philip, and I. As the staff for Write For Life we stand here and make a promise to every child in need of a trustworthy friend, guidence, and a place to come when things get hard, that we will always be here and willing to help in any way we can.

For us this has become more than a job, this has becaome a way of life. We believe that it's kids like these that will changed our futures which is reason enough for us to opn our hearts to these kids.

This was just my portion. There were also Sarah's and Philip's.

I Need An Answer

The faith I have in myself is fading. I thought I was making a difference in these kids' lives. I believed I could be the Superman I wished I'd had in my life so dearly. Someone who could be there to protect them, to show them that there is more to this life than the pain they felt. More than just the horrors they faced. The ones that changed them. Now I am not so sure. I've fought all my life to be seen in this world, to be noticed. I thought this was it. I guess it's not. To tell you the truth, I was doing this for selfish reasons. I needed something to hold on to, since what happened. I faced the demons in my life, only for them to come back now and taunt me.

Why the change of heart you ask? Her name is Heather. A beautiful ten year old girl whom I'd gotten the chance to work with. Her story is a lot like mine, it's why I asked to take on her assignment. At nine years old we had both faced a similar challenge. Watching those we loved commit suicide. When I saw Heather, it reminded me of what I'd went through. The pain is all too much rememberable. The tears I'd shed, the constant ache of feeling that it was my fault for my mother's leaving. I didn't want her to spend years feeling the way I had. I didn't want her to shut out the world like I did. Just going through life's motions to satisfy everyone else. I wanted it to be different for her.

I spent the next two months with Heather, giving her every possible way of reaching me in case she needed to talk, and we spent every Saturday and Wednesday doing something new. We talked about everything, my past, hers, school, life, religion. For every question she had I believed I had an answer. It was last night I found I did not.

What do you tell a ten year old when she demands to know why God is punishing her? I simply told her that he wasn't, that there was a reason for everything and she would find it soon. She shook her head and asked why I was defending him. The one who had abandoned us when we needed him. Why defend the one who took away my mother? Why protect him if all he could do was cause us hurt, and to make us cry? I found myself speechless. I had never blamed God for what had happened, but she did. Nothing I said changed her mind. She couldn't see that good would come from this because she was so focused on the bad.

I thought I had been making a difference, but I'm not. I have prayed for an answer, but have yet to find one and I believe maybe I'm not ready to take on this responsibility as I thought I was. As selfish as it is I don't want to give it up. I'm not sure why, but something tells me that if I give up now she will never see the reason God let her go through this. It isn't because he abandoned her. It was because he loved her and he wanted her to grow from this. The reason I am who I am today is because of the things I've went through.

So what am I to do? Tho I am trying I can't find a way out of this dilemma. If I continue I might just push her away, but I can't give up. Right now my head is so fogged up with all that is going on. Recently it seems like all I can do is think about what has happened to me these past few years. I get frustrated with myself that I too want to blame God, but then I straighten myself back out best I can remembering that it has brought me here. Even now I am at a very tender moment in my life. It is going to be one year the eighteenth that one of my closet friends committed suicide. Along with that I am trying to help my friend's father get through this as well. I only pray that I can do this without losing what is left of my faith. I think this time I might have overdone it. I've tried too hard to be Superman, cause even Superman has his weaknesses. I tried to pretend that I didn't, now I'm falling victim to it. My past, my weakness.
~Micheala~

A Chance to Be Taken

Personally this is a subject I hate, but was asked to address. Okay, here goes...
Risks are something everyone takes, without them how would we gain new perspectives on anything in life? For some taking risks is a fear, they would rather stick to the same routine over and over than decide to try and throw something new into their lives. Taking a risk can be anything from listening to a new genre of music, or a new food, to things like deciding to move out, or switching jobs. You never know how things will turn out.

Why is this so important? If you didn't take a chance how would you gain insight to new things? How would you become more than what you were yesterday? With every chance taken there are consequences both good and bad. The bigger the risk the bigger the consequence, either way you won't know the outcome until you do decide to take that risk.
Believing in yourself is the key to making your consequences good. If you don't have faith in yourself then you might as well not take the risk at all, being as you have in a way already admitted defeat. A girl I once knew taught me that we are only as strong as the faith we have in ourselves. If all faith is lost then so are we.

Taking chances can lead to so many new things, and open all sorts of doors for you in your life, but it can also shut them. If you take a chance and the end result is bad then don't give up. Instead let your mistake guide you in future choices. Let it fuel you in your next decision. Things won't always turn out exactly as you like them, but who knows? Things could always
end up better than you believed they would.

You can't sit around your entire life asking yourself what it would be like if you had done this or that. If you bypass a chance and you don't take it, then its no ones fault but your own and nothing can be done about it. So why obsess over what could of been when you always have what could be now.

One of the biggest chances you'll take is with your heart. You never know how things will end up in a relationship. Trusting someone with your heart is one of the hardest choices you'll have to make. Not knowing whether or not you can trust that person completely is scary, but if you don't try then you'll never know the outcome.

What's the worst that could happen?
~Micheala~

Write For Life

The weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. Right now I'm trying to keep myself in check, keep my anger and frustration from pushing me over the edge, and I am succeeding for only one reason. I'm trying to balance my schedule and make time for myself and my family. Most who know me know how big of a sucker I am when it comes to those who need help. I put those who ask for my help in front of everything else and its been causing a problem in my life, one I am about to fix.

I thought about this for a while. Wondering why it is that I feel like I have to help every soul in need. I got my answer today. Its because when I was the one needing help I had no one to turn to. Remembering that brought back the memories of some of the worst times of my life, of most of my family turning me away one by one when I needed support and stability after losing my mother. Sometimes not even your own family will help you, but I was lucky that my aunt and uncle stepped up to the plate. My brother and I were a few of the more fortunate ones.
Our church was a huge part of our lives and they helped out in every way they could. It was hard after my aunt took in two extra kids on top of their three.
Ever since then I have spent the majority of my time helping the church. Giving back to them the help they gave us, granted I dislike our pastor Riggs, and his pig of a niece Chandra. (Yes she does go to Walker Valley High School and I'll fall out of this chair laughing if she reads this.) I try to keep my distance from the man and instead took my place helping the children's pastor Mr. Larry Green. (Whose son is Mr. Green from Walker Valley High School.) Seeing the children from our church always gets to me. I guess I had a soft spot when it came to helping them because I found myself doing more and more for all children who came asking for help.
The feeling you get from seeing a little kid smile because of you is more than I can put into words. It is overwhelming and soon you find yourself wound up so tight from spending all your time there instead of with family and friends. You feel as if you've missed so much because of it, but never sorry that you did because you know you made a difference in so many lives. I finally got tired of saying I was busy whenever I was asked out and being left out when my friends did a group thing.

But that didn't work for me either, I couldn't just cut them out of my life I felt I was letting them down completely. Even tho I feel like I've done my part it doesn't mean I should quit all together does it? I was introduced into a pilot program called Write For Life in which I believe is the perfect opportunity for me to have time with those I love and kids that need support. If we feel like this succeeds then we might later expand it for any kid that needs support like I did long ago. Writing was a key element in my progress to a normal life. Without writing poetry, stories, keeping journals and such I wouldn't of had a normal way to release the emotions I had stored inside of me. Some of the kids we deal with are like I once was, they have so much stored up inside of them that it not only hurts them but the ones around them who watch them go into submission or have outrages that could lead to physical damage to those near.
Instead of dealing in this way we help take the suppressed emotions and turn them into an creative outlet showing them there are more ways to deal with mainly grief and anger than just storing it up. For all the results are different. We can help all kids but some more than others, sometimes just showing them that we are there to help them can be more of a blessing to them than anything else. Our children have been drug threw everything. Rape and abuse victims, survivors of attempted suicide, family and friends who have lost someone to suicide, I've seen some pretty weird stories but all end with the same sad story. A grieving child.
For now this is just a pilot program, seven kids, three people who volunteered to help and one reason for doing it. To help a soul in need. I'll tell you how it ends when I find out myself but for now just do what YOU can to help someone. Make a difference in the life of someone who needs it like I pray I am doing. I myself am not a saint, nor do I claim to be one. I am not bragging about what I am doing just trying to get others to start helping in this community a little more by sharing my story hoping it will encourage those who read it.

All my Thanks go to Czak Fallghen and my big brother (Only in my heart) Justin for introducing Write For Life to me. I RAWR you guys!

-Micheala-

Prologue: Dreams

I had no idea where I was, and I didn't want to. I wanted to stay lost like this forever, at least that way he couldn't find me. Sweat ran down my forehead and into my eyes, my heart pounded hard in my ears, and I couldn't bring myself to breathe. I was so scared and not only for myself, but for the boy I had come here to find.
Instead of finding him, I'd gotten lost myself which wasn't to bad because at least I wouldn't have to face what the Prophecy had proclaimed would be the end of me. The trees were beginning to clear the farther I headed in, and within the next few minutes I'd found him. He lay sprawled out on the ground, unmoving. My heart dropped, and a whimper escaped my trembling lips.
I raced forward just as a black figure blocked my path knocking me back.
"You?" I gasped. Tho I couldn't see their face, I knew that something was wrong. This had been a person I had put my faith into helping me, but had been betrayed. I knew this was the other half to the Prophecy
.......................................................................................................................................................................

I swear I have no idea where I'm going with this..... Just had random thought and wanted to put it down.

But I do think it would be a great opener for a story if I cleaned it up a bit... think I might do that now.

The Illusion of Love

I'm starting to truly believe that there is no such thing as love. Love was just a word created to make feel as if we were cared about. For some of those lucky enough to believe that they have found this "love" take heed in where you place your trust and heart because you might just find both of them broken. I believe that the Lord is the only one that actually cares enough about us to say that love does exist, but here on earth we as humans are not capable of handing our entire heart over to one person to even begin to think that love exists.
Every generation gets worse. We are violating the sacred institution that is marriage with our high divorce rates. If you "love" someone then you shouldn't divorce them. I'm not saying that there aren't cases where divorce is necessary, but these numbers are crazy! More than a fourth of marriages with in the last ten years have ended in divorce. Marriage is supposed to be a commitment to one another for love, but as I said before I'm starting to believe that people are not capable of truly loving one another and giving ourselves completely over to just one person. Maybe our elder generations lived in a world where love existed, but in today's age if love existed then we wouldn't be fighting these wars. We wouldn't turn on the news and once again hear about murders that were committed for money, or people getting raped or abused. We wouldn't have to hear about our family and friends committing suicide.
If love existed in this day and age then those types of things wouldn't happen. If we cared enough about the world then we would embrace it, but instead we destroy it. We destroy our homes, our friends, family, and ourselves. It's hard to live in a world where all you see and hear about are hate related crimes. So if love existed then where did it go, and why are we destroying everything?
I hate hearing teenagers say they love someone, its not true. I even to begin to count the times I've heard my friends say they loved someone so much that they would die for them, or it would kill them if they lost that person. It's crazy how teens exaggerate their feelings. It's not how they truly feel. Its how they think they feel. Countless people have told me to say the words I love you often, but why should I if I don't me it? What is the point of it?

Micheala

From This Place

Last night I thought about a few things. The first being where do I go from here? From this place in my life? This place in my life meaning the start of my junior year, being so close to graduating. What about my family and friends? Would I leave them to pursuit a new life? One where I could begin the foundation to my career? I once thought that I would leave this little place for the big cities, somewhere so far away that I knew no one to throw old mistakes in my face. I'm starting to find things are not as they had once appeared. How can one single night of thinking completely change your sight of life? My life wasn't as shaky as I'd always thought it to be. I have friends, I have family that care about me. (Even if they do pretend not to sometimes.) I think the one thing that has always bothered me was the thought of never leaving high school completely behind. Feeling as if everyday I would wake up to the same people, and nothing would be new.

I would like a change of scene, I would like a place to myself. Somewhere that I could write and do the things I loved without being bothered with the usual drama you get at home, at school, and even at church. Yes my church means the world to me but I need a place to praise the Lord. I feel like the closest you can get to the Lord is when you praise him, and now it seems church is more of a place for drama then it is praise. Not all churches, but a lot of them. Schools are getting to where all we come for is fights and gossip. Try spending time with your friends without getting one or the other.

So from this place in my life I'd like to finish the dramatic high school years I have left and go to Culinary Arts school, maybe take a few writing classes, write a book or two, and make the fullest of my life. Spend time with those close to me, and who knows I might even find a decent guy along this crazy ride of a life. My dreams are mine and mine alone, I won't let anyone keep me from them now I realize how much they mean to me.


Micheala