The Fallen

I thought I had it all figured out. That I had a control on my emotions and my life. It seems my life has taken yet another unexpected turn and I hate to say it but this time it seems harder to pick up the pieces. I don't even know why.

It's not anything to do with anyone but myself. I realize now that all I thought I once had a grip on has slipped threw my figures like sand. The dreams I hoped to achieve have fallen carelessly to the dark and I cannot imagine that I will ever find them again. Sometimes God gives us these challenges, testing us to see how much we can stand without relying on him. Sometimes he has to show us the dark before we can truly see and appreciate the light. I have fallen into the dark one too many times. Letting my thoughts consume me and leading myself to believe I could do this alone. I could wake up and everything would be okay.

If there is one thing I've found it is this.... Don't ever believe you can handle things on your own. That asking for help makes you weak. It doesn't. Tim Smith believed it once. He let his own suffering consume him and for that I've missed him everyday of my life for 2 whole years. Macey Laney believed it, and I still find myself crying for her after only 8 months. I thought I could handle it by myself. Now I find I can't, and its not because I'm weak. It's because life has many difficult challenges we must face, but we don't have to alone.

Life can be harsh sometimes, just like people can be, but we have to make sure that we deal with it accordingly. Trust that the ones you love will help and guide you through whatever you've been battling. My battle is trusting those I care about. I feel that if I trust them that all it will lead to is being let down and hurt. Ultimately I found out that it was because I didn't trust the ones I loved enough to tell them how I felt that I lost them.

If you know me or have read any of my poetry then you would realize who Macey Laney and Tim Smith are. Because I felt I couldn't talk to Tim, he thought the same for me. He had no one to turn to, but his friends and we let him down. I feel that Macey was so guilty for it that she kept how she felt about it inside. I lost two of the most amazing people I'd ever known to suicide because they felt they had no one to turn to, because I let them down. I try my hardest to keep from telling those I love how I feel, and I try my hardest to keep up a tough act to seem like I don't need anyone but myself to keep from being hurt. What I didn't know was that it would hurt me worse because I let the ones I loved walk out of my life without telling them how much I loved them, how much I needed them, and how much I cared.

I do care, even if I can't say the words I love you, I do mean it.

Your never alone unless you truly believe that you are, and even then God will not abandon you.

And in the end that's all that matters.
God and Love
You can't find one without the other.

Micheala.